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Monday, September 5, 2011

First Campaigner Challenge.

The first challenge for Rachel Harrie's (http://rachaelharrie.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaigner-challenge.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+RachaelHarrie+%28Rach+Writes...%29) Platform-Builders Campigner Challenge is to write a 200 words or less flash-fiction short story. It must start with the words: The door swung open....

Here is my entry.

An Open and Shut Door

The door swung open even though I had locked it. What the…? I pressed my back to the wall. Footsteps in the darkness. One foot dragging along the floor. What the…? There was grunting with each footstep and drag.

“Jack?” I said, barely audible. “Is that you?” My chest heaved, my breasts stiffened.

Another footstep and foot drag.

“Jack, if that’s you, I’m going to kill you for this.” I slid along the wall until I bumped into a side table, knocking something over, breaking it. Without looking at the table, I felt around in the darkness until I felt a saucer-sized piece of broken glass.

A large shadowy figure with large shining yellow eyes appeared before me in the darkness. What the…? “Jack, this isn’t funny.”

The yellow eyes were beautiful. They were alluring. I couldn’t stop staring at them. They offered warmth. But I knew they were alluring for all the wrong reasons. “What are you?” I muttered. “Keep back.”

“I want you,” the gravelly voice said. “Please let me have you.”

What the…?

“I need you,” he said.

Those yellow eyes…I wanted them. They were beautiful. “Okay. I’m yours.”

All of a sudden, the door swung shut.



That's it. Exactly 200 words.





28 comments:

bridget said...

Okay, I don't know who or what Jack is, but I'm intrigued. this is great getting to see what everyone comes up with. I'm #72

Sonia said...

I want to know more!

Elizabeth Varadan aka Mrs. Seraphina said...

Good grief, those yellow eyes sound intriguing -- and the gravelly voice and dragging steps seem diametrically opposed. Somehow I feel it's not Jack. :-) But you have me wondering who. Or what . . .

Good job.

Alleged Author said...

The yellow eyes thing was unexpected. Great job!

Nadja Notariani said...

Almost like enthrallment...gives me the shivers! These frightening tales are really quite good, but I'm afraid to keep reading. Ha! (I'll give myself nightmares:) Saying hello from our shared fiction group as well as reading your challenge entry ~ Nadja

Tanya Reimer said...

Freaky.
My kinda freaky.

Elana Johnson said...

Interesting! Yellow eyes are always a nice touch!

1000th.monkey said...

I immediately thought of Little Red Ridinghood and the wolf :)

Wendy G. Ewurum: Blog Author said...

Hi Richard, thanks for coming by my blog the oter day and the follow. I can't wait to find iut what the yellow eye belong to.

Nancy Thompson said...

Good job! Quite eery!

I don't think there would be any circumstances where I'd find yellow eyes beautiful. Unless it was my cat. But I don;t have a cat any more. So it would just be eery!

Peggy Eddleman said...

Awesome story! I loved how it ended in a way I didn't expect. And congrats on making it exactly 200 words!

Donna K. Weaver said...

Ugh! Now you have to write more!

nadinefeldman.com said...

Great suspense, plenty of good, creepy stuff. Loved it!

Ann Best said...

Wow! This is good. Creepy. Suspenseful. Ooh, the possibilities...
Ann Best, Author of In the Mirror, A Memoir of Shattered Secrets

Damyanti said...

Alluring yellow eyes...that sounded cool. Who is the owner of those eyes?

If you'd like to make this into a longer story, or write something on similar lines, check out The Rule of Three Blogfest ---a month-long extravaganza in the fictional town of Renaissance this October, with some great Amazon vouchers, author appearances as prizes, and of course loads of comment love and exposure for your writing.

You're a short story writer, and we need short stories at Renaissance!

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Uh, I think your MC made the wrong decision for a long life, but the right one for an interesting, riveting read! LOL. Roland

Kerry Freeman said...

Sounds like someone isn't long for this world ;) Great work!

Christine Rains said...

Very interesting. Great suspense and chill factor. I like the yellow eyes too.

KSCollier said...

Scary good. Like the yellow eye thing going on. What was it? Certainly not human.

Doreen McGettigan said...

Wow yellow warm eyes...Scary good!!

http://www.doreenmcgettigan.com

Arlee Bird said...

What the...?

Whose or what's yellow eyes are those? Open that door back up and show us what happens next.
You did well in maintaining the suspense.


Lee
Tossing It Out

Maeve Frazier said...

Love it. Makes me want to read more.

The Golden Eagle said...

I like the way you described the yellow eyes; eerie, but irresistible at the same time. Great entry!

Elizabeth Moss said...

Dear Richard, my name is Elizabeth Moss and I'm one of the judges for the campaign challenge. I'm delighted to say your story really struck me and you'll be going through to Stage Two of the contest.

Congratulations!

What I liked about your story was the way you built the suspense by employing most of the senses: the sound of the dragging steps, then touch - 'I felt around in the darkness' - then that striking image of the 'shining yellow eyes', and a gravelly voice which strikes us as sinister. All that's missing is taste. (But maybe that comes AFTER the door closes.)

I also enjoyed the cheeky way you leave the story unresolved, with us not knowing WHO this is - is it Jack? has Jack been transformed in some way? is he good or evil? - or exactly what he intends to do with the narrator.

Not sure breasts can stiffen though. Lol.

Best of luck in the next round!

Written Words said...

Interesting stuff. It could lead in a lot of directions.

Good pacing, tight writing. I like it.

Crystal said...

Very suspensful and eerie!

Fellow group 18 Campaigner,

C.M. Cipriani

Pk Hrezo said...

Oh writing in first person female POV, eh??? I like it! I'm glad you're challenging yourself! Lots of desire in this snippet. Very nice!

Deb Shucka said...

I definitely want to keep reading!